Disclaimer: Not mine. But can't I at least borrow Turnbull? C'mon, have a heart, it's my birthday.
Feedback: Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Notes: I don't know where this one came from. I meant to write a F/K PWP to make it up to my RayK muse because I've been spending all my time working on Vecchio slash. (Whiny RayK Muse: "But there's no sex! You started right after the sex!") I know. I'm mean. Kick me in the head. The title comes from a Posies song.
Warnings: It's just a big ol' angst sandwich, with fluff on the side.
Date: February 2001.
Ray shifted in the bed, draped himself halfway across Fraser's back, and pressed his mouth against the scar. The Vecchio scar. "I would have done it, Fraser," he said. "Swear to God, I would have done it."
"Done what, Ray?"
Ray placed his hands on Fraser's biceps, pushing down lightly, knowing exactly how ridiculous it was to imagine he could actually hold Fraser down if Fraser wanted to get away from him. He was pretty sure Fraser wouldn't like the answer to his question. "I would have shot you. I would have shot you. To keep you with me. I--I know myself pretty good, Fraser, and I wouldn't have been thinking right, you know? All I would have seen is you leaving me with her, and if that was all I could have done to stop it, I would have shot you. And then I would have tracked her down and blown her head off. And then I probably would have done the same thing to myself."
Fraser turned his head and breathed, face down, into the pillow.
"He didn't mean to do it, Fraser. I...I would have meant to."
Fraser's voice was muffled by the pillow but Ray heard him say, "I understand."
"You understand what I'm saying? Or you understand why? Or you understand that you should have seen this coming, because what more can you expect from me, sick, selfish bastard that I am?"
"Ray?"
"Yeah."
"I love you very much."
"Yeah, well, stop, because you shouldn't. It obviously ain't real healthy for you."
"Ray?"
"Yeah."
"I would have thanked you."
Ray pushed himself off of Fraser and laid down on his back. He covered his eyes with his hands and sighed. "Don't be saying things like that, Fraser. I don't wanna hear you saying things like that."
Fraser propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Ray. "Well, I'd prefer not to hear you suggest that you'd ever, under any circumstances, be willing to cause yourself bodily harm. So, we're even."
"'Even.' I'm sorry. Did you just tell me that you'd be willing to shoot me in the back to keep me from going after something I wanted? Because I must have missed that."
"Ray?"
"Just tell me, Fraser. Jesus."
"Ray, I....Had the circumstances been different, had you been my partner then, or had you been...had you been what you are to me now, I..."
"Say it. Tell me."
"I wouldn't have left."
"Aw, Christ, Fraser, don't."
"I would never have left, Ray. I would never have even con--"
Ray pulled his hands from his eyes and sat up quickly, wrapping his arms around Fraser. "Don't say that. You can't say that, you'll hate yourself if you say that, and you'll hate me, and you'll hate him, and you can't hate him, because you love him."
"I love you, Ray. I have never loved anyone or anything as I love you."
"You love me as much as you can love anything when your heart is a thousand miles away."
"He never had my heart, Ray. No one else ever has."
"No one else but Victoria? 'Cause she had it for a decade, Fraser."
"That sort of exchange must be mutual. With Victoria, it certainly was not."
Ray breathed deeply and unconsciously began to rock Fraser slowly in his arms. "Don't love me, Fraser," he said quietly against Fraser's shoulder. "Don't give your heart to me, I'll--I'll fuck it up."
"I can't take it back, Ray."
"I could give it back."
"Could you?"
"No. And I don't want to, anyway."
"So, you're telling me to leave you and to stop loving you, but you're also telling me that should I actually attempt to do so, you would harm me physically."
"That's pretty much the gist."
Fraser kissed Ray's collarbone and held him tightly. "Well, it would seem that you are a sick, selfish bastard, Ray."
"I told you so."
"I'm going to say it again, and you don't have to believe the words, because I'm going to prove it to you. I will never leave you, Ray. I am in love with you. Just you, only ever you."
"You're gonna make me cry, Fraser. And then I'm just gonna be pathetic. Aw, hell. I'm way past pathetic. I can't even see the pathetic people from where I am." Ray let the tears fall. "I love you. I love you. I need you to stay with me, I don't care if you should or you shouldn't. I'll try--" Ray broke off and began to sob, clutching at Fraser's back.
Fraser stroked gently along Ray's spine and kissed the top of Ray's head. "It's all right, Ray. You can cry."
Ray caught his breath and pulled away from Fraser, rubbing at his eyes, cursing softly. "I'll try to be something good for you, Fraser. I know I'm not good enough for you, but hell, I don't know anyone that is. But I'm gonna try not to disappoint you. Except, you know, if you're about to do something stupid and I'm forced to put a hurting on you."
"Hmm....Would 'thank you' be a proper response, Ray? I'm not entirely sure."
Ray settled onto his side and pulled Fraser down beside him. "I'm thinking a good response would be 'I'll never do anything as dumbassed as that again, Ray, so you don't have to worry about me.' But I'll also accept 'Quit yer bitching and suck my cock, Ray.'"
"I...I'm ....Thank you, Ray."
Ray pressed his body against Fraser's and rested his head on Fraser's chest. "Would you hurt me if I tried to leave you, Fraser?"
Fraser smiled. "I can't really be sure. I'd want to. I wouldn't suggest that you try it, just to find out."
"I wouldn't. I wouldn't, ever."
"I was only joking, Ray."
Ray looked up into Fraser's eyes. "I know. I'm not. I wouldn't. I won't. I can't."
"You're quite a romantic, Ray."
"I'm obsessive, is what I am."
"Yes. But it's romantic, nonetheless."
"Fraser?"
"Ray."
"I--I changed my mind, I think. I couldn't hurt you. Even if I wanted to."
"I knew that, Ray."
"What'd you let me say all that stuff for, then, if you knew? Geez, you're a whatchamacallit. A sadist. And I'm supposed to be the sicko here."
"You seemed to need to say it."
"Fraser?"
Fraser wrapped his arms around Ray's shoulders, placing one hand on his chest to feel his heart beat. "Just tell me, Ray."
"I love you. I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
Ray shrugged.
"You don't have to apologize for loving me, Ray," Fraser said.
"Yeah, I do."
Fraser smiled. "Stop, or I'll leave."
Ray smiled back. "Leave, and I'll shoot you."
Fraser tugged Ray closer and kissed his mouth. "I love you, too, Ray. And I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all."
