Title: Dear Sir
Author: Graycastle (mymango@yahoo.com).
Rating: PG-13 for language and some content.
Summary: A little humour about a corpse.
Feedback: Please!
Special thanks to Tara Blue and to Beth, who are just
generally very nice people.
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Dear Mr. Tallent
We are writing in regards to your letter of November
the 25th. We regret to inform you that the newspaper
article you included with your correspondence was, in
fact, accurate. Although the body of Mr. Dick was
stolen from our cemetery, please be assured that we
have contacted the police and are making every effort
to restore him to his final resting place. We are
very sorry for any anguish that you have suffered and
wish to pay our deepest respects towards you and your
family. We will contact you should we receive any
information regarding your brother’s whereabouts.
Sincerely,
Michael Morton
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Dear Mr. Tallent
Thank you for your continued interest in Mr. Dick’s
disappearance. Please be assured that we are
continuing to look into the matter, in conjunction
with the local police forces.
In regards to your inquiry, we would like to assure
you that there has been no evidence of any kind of
“government machinations” behind Mr. Dick’s
disappearance. If your brother had been, as you so
eloquently put it, “recruited to serve a government
zombie task-force,” we would undoubtedly have been
informed.
Sincerely,
M. Morton
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Mr. Tallent:
We thank you for your repeated inquiries. We would
like to reassure you that your brother has not walked
out of the cemetery on his own. While we have not
checked the local bars for his “unconscious
liquor-soaked corpse,” we are relatively sure that if
he turns up in the vicinity, we will be immediately
informed.
Sincerely,
M. Morton
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Mr. Tallent:
We have received your recent letters in regards to the
matter of your brother’s disappearance. While we
extend our deepest sympathies for your loss, we would
like to remind you that the disappearance of one of
our clients is a matter for the police and that they
are doing everything in their power to locate the
body.
We have not, as you have suggested, found any crop
circles, alien ooze, or other signs that Mr. Dick was
“abducted and probed by horse-felching alien
proctologists.” We will contact you if any further
information is discovered.
M. Morton
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
Constable John Williamson
RCMP, North Vancouver Detachment
147 East 14th Street
North Vancouver, BC V7L 2N4
Dear Constable Williamson
RE: Joe Dick Body Snatching
Please be aware that one Mr. William Q. Tallent has
been sending us letters in regards to this case, which
was assigned to you several months ago. I am
enclosing his name and address with this letter. He
has expressed undue interest in the disappearance of
Mr. Dick, and we have reason to believe that he may
have valid information pertaining to the case. In one
letter, he has suggested that Mr. Dick is “either out
blowing his wad, both literal and metaphorical, on
some Joanne and Tracy somewhere, or lying rotting in
my attic, motherfuckers” and we have therefore decided
to direct your attention to him as regards this case.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Michael Morton
enc.
***
Constable John Williamson
RCMP, North Vancouver Detachment
147 East 14th Street
North Vancouver, BC V7L 2N4
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
Dear Mr. Morton
I have received your letter of February 3rd, and would
like to assure you that I am doing everything in my
power to locate the corpse of the late Mr. Dick
despite a heavy case load and limited resources. As
your Mr. Tallent lives in California and does not
appear to have been in Vancouver when the crime was
theorised to have occured, we have eliminated him as a
suspect. Thank you for your inquiry. If any further
information is uncovered, we will contact you.
Sincerely,
Constable J. Williamson
***
Constable John Williamson
RCMP, North Vancouver Detachment
147 East 14th Street
North Vancouver, BC V7L 2N4
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
Mr. Morton:
We have received your recent letters as regarding your
suspect in our police investigation. As previously
communicated, we have eliminated Mr. Tallent as a
suspect in the body theft case to which you refer. If
any further information is discovered, rest assured
that we will contact you. At the moment we have a
rather heavy case load and would appreciate a halt to
your repeated correspondence.
Sincerely,
Constable Williamson
***
Michael Morton
Assistant Director
Mount Pleasant Cemetery
Vancouver, BC V0U 8D6
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Mr. Tallent:
We regret to inform you that no further information
has been discovered in regards to your late brother,
Mr. Dick. He is not, as you suggest, “running with
the wolves outside the cemetery and gonna eat you
motherfuckers all up one day,” and we will surely
notice should any such event occur.
We will contact you if we learn anything. Please stop
sending letters to this office. Your inquiries might
be more appropriately directed to Constable J.
Williamson of the North Vancouver RCMP, who is in
charge of the case. I have included his address with
this letter.
M. Morton.
enc.
***
Constable John Williamson
RCMP, North Vancouver Detachment
147 East 14th Street
North Vancouver, BC V7L 2N4
William Q. Tallent
c/o Edmund Festus
1514 Jordan Ave.
Hollywood, CA 905671
Please cease and desist all correspondence with this
office, or we will be forced to take legal action.
Sincerely,
Constable J. Williamson
***
The Vancouver Sun
April 28th, 1996
Sun Correspondent Joanne Wutherspoon
STOLEN BODY OF LOCAL ROCKER FOUND IN ATTIC
The body of the late Joe Dick of the band Hard Core
Logo was found last week in the attic of another Logo
band member, Billy Tallent. According to local law
enforcement, Tallent had been harassing both the
police department and Mount Pleasant Cemetery with
letters for the past six months. Constable John
Williamson of the North Vancouver Detachment, working
in conjunction with the United States police force,
finally caught up to Tallent this past week,
discovering the mostly dessicated corpse in Tallent’s
Los Angeles home on April 23rd.
According to Constable Williamson, Tallent did not go
quietly, and was reported to have screamed obscenities
as he was dragged naked into the police cruiser.
Found in Tallent’s home were several bound copies of a
manuscript entitled, “Joe F**king Dick: An Exposé.”
It apparently contained Tallent’s memoirs of his time
with the band.
Tallent’s neighbours report that this sudden news
comes as a complete shock, as Tallent was “quiet,
reserved, kept to himself.” They further report that
they would not have known anything, were it not for
the smell.
Universal Records reportedly bought the rights to the
Hard Core Logo albums on April 24th and will be
re-releasing them within six months, along with
excerpts from Tallent’s manuscript.
See DICK on page E12.
