Ray slammed the GTO into park. He turned the key off and sat staring at nothing out the window. He took a deep breath and slammed his fists into the steering wheel repeatedly until the pain in his hands briefly distracted his brain from the stress of the day.
He forced himself to get out of the car and go up to his apartment knowing that his neighbors would get nosy if he sat too long. Dragging his feet along chewing on his thumbnail he wearily pushed himself up the three flights of stairs to his apartment. He wondered how many more nights could he survive like this how many more dead bodies, rapists and junkies he could swallow before he ate his gun.
Now it was five thousand times worse. Fraser was offered a position with Maggie in Inuvik. Fraser couldn't go and leave him. His guts turned in his stomach.
No more Mountie. No more duet.
Fraser don't leave me.
He knew Fraser would jump at the chance to go home and he couldn't ask him to stay. When Fraser asked why what would he say? Because I love ya and I can't live wit outcha Ben. Don't think so.
Ray's chest heaved and he had to lean against his apartment door to dig for his keys. His eyes were burning with hot tears and his gut was aching and Fraser was helping him in the apartment. Fraser! Suddenly Ray felt guilty and swatted away Fraser's hands.
"Ray, you're crying."
"Had a bad day."
"Would you care to talk about it?" "No, take this before I do somethin stupid." Ray slipped his holster off his shoulders and handed it to Fraser.
"Ray, I think we should talk, if you are feeling bad enough to want to hurt yourself..." Ben put the gun and holster in Ray's lock box under Turtle's tank.
"I won't do it I swear." Ray tried to smile reassuringly but the Mountie wouldn't buy it.
"Ray." Fraser pushed him down on the couch and went into Ray's kitchen and made some tea.
"I just don't know if I can handle it anymore, Frase. Bein a cop used ta mean somethin, ya know. Today the damn punks shoot ya as fast as you can whip your badge out. I mean the junkies are getting younger, the murderers are more creative and nobody gives a damn about their kids anymore." Ray started and began rambling on and on. Fraser stood in the doorway between the couch and the kitchen.
"And...and the duet, MY duet, that's done, that's yesterday's news." Fraser looked over and noticed that Ray's eyes were closed and he was pretty incoherent. "Ray gets Mountie, Ray almost loses Mountie, Ray gets Mountie back, Ray loves the Mountie, Ray loses Mountie to the tundra. God, I suck."
"Ray, what are you talking about?" Fraser abandoned his beverages and went to the couch. "Is this about me going to Inuvik?"
"I suck." Ray just nodded his head and Fraser could see huge tears pouring from his eyes and his face was twisted in pain. Fraser's heart ached to see Ray so upset. Fraser walked to Ray's stereo and turned it on, pushing play on the CD player he waited to hear the soft melody of a woman's voice come through the speakers.
"Ray. Ray. Ray."
Ray opened one eye. "Hunh?"
"Dance?" Fraser offered a hand. Ray took it hesitantly. Ben wrapped himself around Ray as they swayed side to side. Ray buried his face in Ben's shoulder and he could feel the hot tears leak through the t-shirt.
You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down
When you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
And if only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold I'll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
Ben rubbed Ray's back as he held him. He put his head down and slowly inhaled Ray's scent and placed a soft kiss on the exposed skin of his neck. Ray moaned and grabbed him closer.
When you're lost and you're alone
And you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home
And if you want to cry I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time you'll be fine
"Ray, I will never leave you. I love you and I can't live without you." Ben whispered and Ray raised his head. "I came here tonight to ask you to go with me and if you don't want to then we shall stay in Chicago."
Ray put his head back on Ben's shoulder and continued rocking with the music. Ben continued rubbing Ray's back and finally Ray lifted his head and rested his forehead on Ben's.
"Let's get the hell outta Dodge. I can't do this anymore Ben, take me home wit ya." Ray closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Ben's.