Rating: Slash, NC-17. (for language, sex.)
Spoilers: Some for CotW.
Disclaimer: As much as I want them, they don't belong to me.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Note: Thanks to Beth for the hand holding and encouragement to start let alone finish this. Everybody should have a beta like her. Thanks, sweetie!
"It's up to you Fraser, I'm just along for the ride." I stuffed the last of our packs in the sled. I rubbed my hands together in anticipation of his decision.
"Ray, it is our adventure. You also have a say in our itinerary."
Squatting down next to the dogs I call over my shoulder. "Going to see Maggie would be nice. I'm sure she would love to spend time with her brother."
"Ok, then off to Inuvik." Fraser called cheerily. I gave Dief a good scratch and stood up. To be honest I'd go to fucking Outer Mongolia with him if he wanted to. I climbed into the sled and let him drive a bit. We were coming to some ice fields and I don't think Fraser trusts me after what happened last time.
We stopped to camp for the night. I started the fire and Dief hung by me. Fraser fed the dogs and brought out some supplies for dinner. He handed me some kind of stew thingie to rehydrate and cook. "I'm sure Maggie will be happy to see you."
I look up and smiled. "You, too. It's good you found each other, two Frasers are better than one."
Fraser sighed heavily. "What?"
"Oh, nothing Ray. I just thought you would be more excited to go see Maggie. You two seemed to have hit it off, as you say."
"Well, yeah she's nice." I looked back down at the bubbling pot. I see what's coming and I'm half dreading it. Telling him up here is harder than at home. Up here we can't run away. In the city we could run and hide from one another and avoid truth and the hurt. There is no where to hide in the tundra and I don't want to leave. I don't want to go home when I tell him and he wants me to go.
"Ray, I have no problem with your interest in Maggie. I wouldn't get upset or be offended..."
"Yeah, well I have a problem with it. Fraser she's great, she's attractive and intelligent but I'm not interested."
Fraser seemed saddened by the fact I wasn't hot for his sister. He coughed and rubbed his eyebrow. He took the spoon I was stirring with and filled our plates.
Dief wandered over looking for something better than kibble. I slopped some of mine over onto another small plate. I wasn't really hungry but Fraser would notice and then tell me I have to eat to keep my strength. Hell, he keeps track of the food I eat and how many hours I sleep but he can't see in my actions or hear in my words what I really want him to know.
Mechanically I spoon food into my mouth. We've been eating the same thing so long the food has become flavorless. I haven't changed my clothes or washed anything in close to a month but now my nose is desensitized to it. I would of thought I'd been frozen by now but being with Frase keeps me warm.
The fire is low and the camp is very quiet. At some point Fraser turned towards the warmth of the fire. I stifle a chuckle, he looks like he's standing guard duty, all stone faced and serious. Probably dreams about regulations and statistics. I'm not making fun of him. I'm curious, amazed and completely enamoured.
I reach over and gently touch his cheek with my fingertips. It burns, inside all the way up my shoulder and explodes in my chest stealing my breath. It's been that way since we first met and I hugged him. This is why I'm here, this is why I'm not cold, this is why I need him.
The next morning we quietly pack and head on towards Inuvik. "We should make Maggie's by dusk. I'm sure you'll be happy to see four walls and bathing facilities again."
"You sayin I stink?" I tied the last of our gear down and offered him the seat. I feel like driving today.
"We both do and while it won't bother Maggie too much I know you tend to primp and fluff before meeting a woman. I thought you would appreciate it."
"It will be nice to shave and brush my teeth." I grumble and start the dogs. Fraser is about as subtle as a heart attack. It will be nice to see Maggie again but not that nice. Not as nice as Fraser's head occasionally bumping my groin as we slide along. I concentrate of the cold air whipping my face and not Fraser.
Maggie was just getting home from work when we reached her trailer. It was a nice doublewide mobile home with stones framing what might be a walkway or flower garden. She dumped her things just inside her door and ran to greet us.
"Maggie!" Ben called and she stopped dead in her tracks.
"Benton? Is that you?"
"Yes, Maggie. I hope you don't mind, Ray and I thought we would stop in." I saw Maggie's face light up and run faster towards her brother. I pulled myself out of the sled and checked on the dogs giving them a few minutes alone.
I snickered slightly at Ben's reaction to Maggie's hug. 'It's your sister moron, she's not gonna jump you.' Ben said something and they both turned to me and they had the same eyes, those same beautiful icy eyes and that crooked smile. I guess that's what turns my crank about Maggie, she looks like the parts of Ben I love the most.
"Ray! It's good to see you. Are you enjoying yourself up here?" Maggie almost skipped over to me. I smiled at her energy and hugged her warmly.
"It's not bad, if you like desolate, snowy, wastelands and don't mind going snow blind once in a while." Maggie looked at me funny, kinda like Ben used to when I made jokes he didn't understand. After a minute her eyes and nose crinkled and laughter poured out of her. She took both of our arms and led us to the barn.
Inside were her dogs and supplies. She showed us where to put our dogs and stuff. She helped Ben get food for the dogs and I grabbed our gear with clean clothes and soap. Ben grabbed one of the large packs from me and Maggie once again took our arms and led us to the house.
Maggie hurriedly started a fire when we walked in. She told us to put our stuff in the corner and relax. She began making coffee and dinner.
"Maggie, what can we help you with?" I asked. Fraser stared at me surprised. "I'm not totally without manners, Frase."
"Nothing, it's so nice to have company to fuss over. I haven't had many visitors since Casey..." Maggie smiled sadly.
"Ok, well I won't complain. Spoil away." Ray smiled and leaned forward to pet
"Here's some hot water. There's a wash basin in the bedroom if you guys would like to get cleaned up. I'm sorry I don't have anything bigger like a tub." Maggie walked into her bedroom with a kettle.
"Would you like to go first, Ray?" I smiled and stood up.
"Thanks, buddy." I grabbed my stuff and followed Maggie. In her room she was crouched down rifling through a drawer under her bed. She stood a moment later with a stack of towels.
"Here you go, Ray."
"I'm glad you're here, I mean both of you. I didn't really think I would see Benton again so soon. He doesn't write much and I thought maybe he didn't care to know me. I mean after knowing what our father...I mean how I was born." Her eyes, Ben's eyes, were watery and strained. That look was so familiar and it made my cock twitch. I put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her and smiled.
"Nah, it was his idea to come. I thought it was a great idea, after all two Fraser's are better than one. There is no way I'm gonna freeze my skinny ass off or get eaten by a polar bear now." Maggie laughed and sat on the bed and talked while I began going through my bag.
"Do you mind if we talk for a minute?"
"Nah, what's on your mind?"
"I think we both know Benton's on a match making mission." Our eyes wouldn't meet but we both laughed nervously. "I think we're both flattered too but we aren't even going to try and kid ourselves are we?"
"No, I suppose we shouldn't. I want to be your friend Maggie. I'm sorry if what happened in Chicago...if it led you to believe something..."
"No, Ray it didn't." Maggie smiled. "It made me feel good. I hadn't even...since Casey died I hadn't thought of those kinds of things...you understand?"
"Yeah, after my wife left me I didn't think I was much of anything for a long time. Til I met Frase. You were being a cop for Casey and not a woman, not grieving like his wife should have been." Maggie nodded vigorously and took a deep, relieving breath. I took my shirt off and dipped the wash cloth into the hot water and scrubbed the soap into it. I scrubbed my face and then rinsed the cloth and repeated to do my arms and torso.
"Were you jealous?" Maggie asked and I almost dropped the cloth.
"Well, I will admit I did find him very attractive at first and I had always known him, well about him anyway from my mother and the locals. Looking back I think the attraction was nature's way of telling us what he figured out, cut from the same cloth and all."
"You have the same eyes and smile." I couldn't shut my mouth in time it just started flapping. I walked over to the bed and crouched in front of her and touched her cheek. "I kinda figured you two matched but I was thinking in a different way, not brother sister. You're beautiful Maggie and looking back I think I went after you because I thought Frase was interested but now I know it's because you match."
Maggie leaned into my touch and her skin burned me just like Ben's, not as hot but just as comforting. I was home for sure now. Two Frasers and a Kowalski, now there is an interesting family.
"Does he know?" I shrugged my shoulders and pulled my hand back. "Tell him, Ray. You're worth it. Your love is worth it."
She leaned forward and I shut my eyes. Our lips met again and it was warm and caring. Her tongue brushed against my upper lip and she pulled back. She rubbed our noses together.
"Your love is worth it, Ray." Then she was gone.
Three days later Maggie was out on patrol. Something about poachers I guess. She left us a note one morning and said she'd be back in a few days. I think Ben was upset because she didn't ask him along. Unlike Ben, Maggie and I know what vacation time is and she wanted us to enjoy ours. I'm really beginning to love her, like a sister. She knows and understands a lot like Fraser would if he could see all of me.
Whine. Scratch scratch.
I looked over and saw Dief dancing by the door. "What's up, buddy?"
"Ok, out you go." I opened the door and he shot out towards the barn. He took off so fast it surprised me and I followed him. "Hey, Frase!"
In the barn the dogs were restless. I tried to see what was the matter but nothing seemed to be wrong in the barn. Ben came in behind me a few moments later. He frowned and suddenly grabbed Maggie's rifle.
"Possibly. Get the other rifle and stay here, protect the dogs. Dief and I will check things out. Lock the door behind me."
I know better than to argue but he was so somber and it was freaking me out. "What's up?"
"I'm not sure, it could be an animal or possibly human." I let it go at that and locked the door of the barn when he and Dief left.
Twenty minutes later the dogs were really going ape shit and it was starting to hurt my ears. I heard a gun shot and Dief barking. My mouth went dry and I almost vomited. I grabbed the other rifle and carefully opened the barn door. I carefully shut it and went around back to where I heard the sound.
Ben and Dief were heading back towards the barn with a small group of people, including Maggie. I shuffled in place to quell the urge to run after them to check on them. When they got close enough I could see pride on Ben's face. His baby sister got the bad guys and he couldn't have done a better job himself.
"I'm going to go into town with Constable Giles and Sergeant Hills. I should be back in time for supper. Thanks for your help, Benton." Maggie smiled and helped her boss lead the three criminals away. They got into Maggie's truck and went into town.
"Those the poachers?"
"Yes, Ray. Come help me settle the dogs."
We settled the dogs and fed them. We put Maggie's rifles back and secured the barn for the night.
"Maggie's so amazing she had to be a Fraser." I smiled thinking about how proud Ben looked.
"Yes, she is. Your opinion seems to be changing. You two enjoy each others company and seem to have had many intimate conversations."
"I love Maggie. She's wonderful but it's not romantic or sexual, Fraser. Just buddies."
"Why? Is there something she doesn't see in you?" He asked as we entered the house.
"No, she sees everything. Even things you don't or can't." I watched as he went to the fireplace and added wood. He stood up and turned to me.
"What do you mean, Ray?" I could tell he was genuinely confused, knuckle rubbing the eyebrow.
"She knows she's a very close second to the one I love. So close to you, Ben."
He stood motionless. Staring with those eyes. The longer he stared the harder my heart beat and my breathing sped up.
"Look I'm not going to stand here and say I can't live without you or I'll die if you don't tell me you feel the same." I stepped to the window rubbing a hand through my flat hair. I wrapped my arms around myself and dropped my head. "I'd be lost and unhappy but alive."
"I don't know what to say." I looked over and smiled at him.
"It's ok. I've been rejected before, this isn't the first time and I'm sure not that last."
"I'm not rejecting you, Ray." Ben took three steps closer and stopped. He put his hand out but then dropped it back to his side. "I'm not sure what I'm doing."
I went to the couch and sat quietly waiting for him to gather his thoughts. I keep repeating Maggie's words over and over like a protective mantra, 'Your love is worth it, Ray'.
"I'm not sure what to say. I'm not upset or offended. You are my best friend, Ray and I never considered for a moment that there would come a time we wouldn't be together because I wasn't going to let it happen. You are so much a part of me now, my family. But intimate love, the beauty of love, comfort, sex and affection, I haven't thought about those things in many years. I couldn't. I needed them so badly that when I let myself go...nothing had ever hurt so bad, well until I learned about my mother's death. When Victoria left me a second time and I had come to accept what she was..." He fell to the floor in front of my knees and sobbed. I reached out to touch him and he rested his head on my knees.
"I was destroyed emotionally and mentally, yet the need was stronger than ever and it was eating me alive. I had to shut it off, turn off the physical needs of my body. I no longer cared about sex or affection. It was all I could do to prevent myself from going crazy with grief and lust."
"Ben, may I kiss you?" I tried to lift his face with my hands. He stood quickly and backed away.
"No. I mean I want you to but if I touch you now I wouldn't be able to stop and this is Maggie's home."
"Touch me, please Ben." I reached for his hand and I could feel his heat before I made contact. "I'll wash the sheets."
He smiled and almost laughed but he met my hand half way. I pulled him to the bedroom. When I closed the door his grip tightened and by the time we got close to the bed I could barely feel my fingers. We sat down side by side on the bed, staring at one another.
"Are you feeling okay?" Fraser asked me suddenly frowning. I smiled. Oh, hell yes I'm feeling a-okay. My dick is so hard it's throbbing in rhythm with my pulse, my nipples are so erect they hurt and the feeling of Ben's hand is making my body burn and tingle.
Ben's tongue flicked out between his lips and hit my temple. The touch is excruciating and I shudder close to orgasm. "Ray, are you sure you're okay? You're sweating."
"Yeah, I'm ok." I closed my eyes willing myself not to embarrass myself and keep control. "When you touch me, it's like I'm burning on the inside. You make me so warm, so alive Ben."
I pulled his hand to my lips and cheek relishing the heat it radiates through my body. Ben stared at me funny and then leaned in for a kiss. It was really awkward at first. Not at all like kissing a woman but then I could taste Ben.
He made this weird sound almost like Dief when Ben ruined his fun it sounded almost bittersweet. He pulled me close to him and at first it felt weird like the kiss. Muscle on muscle, it might have felt weird but God damn did it feel right. More right than anything I could have imagined and true to his word Ben couldn't stop touching me.
He pulled us down, lying side by side on the bed and we started undressing each other. As the layers came off he kept pulling me closer and licking the moisture off my neck and throat. We were down to our boxers and Ben rolled over and knelt on the bed with me underneath.
"You're shaking." He smiled so tenderly at me and stroked my cheek.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. I couldn't feel the shaking through the warmth inside me but I knew I would be. I was on the edge, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I needed to come and I needed Ben, forever.
"I need you."
"And I you, Ray." He stood briefly to pull his shorts down and then pulled mine off. He resumed his position straddling me and reached down and touched my erection. He ran his finger along the underside of the head and I was done and gone.
The next thing I remembered Ben was licking the semen off my stomach placing soft kisses around my torso. My body felt so raw and exposed I pushed his head away and asked him to hold me.
"I love you, Ben."
"Oh, my dear Ray. I love you too." He pulled me against his chest and settled us under the covers to recover.